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October 25, 2010 / Guest Contributions

Somebody’s Job Is Shittier Than Yours



Matt Bate's new monthly rant

There are a lot of people out there who think their job is hard. They classify it as degrading, insulting, and most of all – downright depressing. You know, they are probably right. But for every shitty job out there, there’s always some poor soul slogging away with a job worse than yours. For example, I was taking a dump just moments ago and as I reached for the toilet roll to wipe away the rancid faecal matter dripping from my hairy asshole, I noticed some artwork plastered across the sheet. There were seahorses, stars and flowers among other gifts bestowed upon us from mother nature herself, and I thought to myself – someone has specifically drawn that piece of artwork for the explicit intention for it to be smeared and besmirched by our own vile anal sludge. Was the person who drew these images a failed artist, very much akin to a street hooker being a failed exotic dancer? We may never know who drew these pictures as no one in their right minds would admit to this being their breadwinning job. A depressing revelation has been made in light of this anonymity – do the artists know that their work is being defiled in such a way? On a similar note: how do people actually manage to hire these guys? I can imagine the interview process following this predictable template:

Interviewer: Welcome to the Sorbent toilet tissue headquarters. Good news, we looked over your portfolio and we have decided that your artwork is the best suited to this company’s mission statement of providing the user with the most ‘friendly, homely and soft’ wiping experience imaginable.

Interviewee: Oh awesome! Thank you! I started some new logo designs and stuff for the company…

Interviewer: …Oh cool. See, I was thinking more along the lines of you designing some preliminary sketches to be used on the actual toilet roll.

Interviewee: (notably disappointed and shattered) …oh… ok…cool…I guess.

So next time you’re out there busting your ass and complaining that no one ever respects your work, just think – there’s someone out there working exceptionally hard to deliver you the most relaxing wiping experience with the complete expectation that you will defile their work in unimaginable and sickening ways that would make Satan say “whoa, fuck that.” If half the world isn’t leaking diarrhea all over your precious end of year reports, then you’ve got it pretty damn good as far as I’m concerned.

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