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March 9, 2010 / Guest Contributions

So You’re One Of Those “Nice Guys?” I Can Help You With That!

Warning: The following contains 82nd Academy Awards spoilers and distressing images that some people may find offensive, such as Charlize Theron’s dress at the aforementioned awards ceremony.  Consider yourselves forewarned.  Thank you for your time.

Move over Nostradamus.  Or, should I say in the wise words of legendary 1970s rock and roll band Jet, “Hey!  Roll over Nostradamus, if you don’t mind.”  I have the ability to make accurate predictions about the future – and I don’t even need to write them in fucking quatrain form either!  Yes, valued PoptArt and Bromeo readers, I knew that The Hurt Locker would win Best Picture in this year’s Academy Awards, and it wasn’t because I lead a secret double life as Mewtwo or any other Psychic who has divination or any other stupid, useless magic power, like the ability to talk to the fucking animals for example.  I don’t engage in any ‘black magic’ or even make sacrifices of newly born human babies to the fiery cauldron of Satan.  I have the ability to…wait for it…it’s coming…

Use the logic in my brain to determine what is going to happen in the future, today.

It’s a scary thought, and it is often unsettling for people.  It works like this; I think about the logistics of why and how something is going to turn out the way it will, and then I apply that to what I’m seeing now.  For example, The Hurt Locker is your typical ‘Gun Ho’ American war film – it’s patriotic and makes you feel proud, while also taking a strong anti-war message.  Now, add that to the fact that the Academy Awards panel have a strong sway towards films that are patriotic, proud and anti-war (Avatar got the anti-war part right, it just didn’t make you proud to be American) and you have guaranteed  yourselves, what we in the entertainment industry like to call an ‘Oscar.’  If Inglourious Basterds was about 100% bonafide American citizens, killing terrorists responsible for the tragedy of 11/9, then that would have been a guaranteed ‘Oscar’ winner.

But, I’m not here today to rant about Academy Award winners, or even what the hell Charlize Theron was thinking when she strut down the catwalk in that distasteful number.  In my opinion she looked much more attractive playing serial male killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster than at the 82nd Awards (see below picture for comparison).  No, I’m here today to help out BOTH sides of the gender spectrum this time, to aid in the brutal tug of war that is ‘romance’ between a male and a female.  Ladies, take heed.  Men, listen up!   I will be providing the ladies with both my insight into romance and my prodigious ability at divination and foresight into determining which type of guy they engage in a relationship with will result in an unhealthy and psychologically damaging (and sometimes physically damaging) relationship.  For the men look for the subcategory ‘Pro Trip’ in bold, this will help you become the type of guy you need to be to get the girl of your dreams.  Are you ready?  Let’s go!

Charlize Theron at the 82nd Academy Awards. Note the lack of thought put into her dress by her assistant.

If you’re female, I want you to imagine you’re sitting at a table with half a bottle of Smirnoff double black (perhaps there’s a hint of strawberry flavouring in there…or maybe you’re drinking a cocktail…but what you are drinking is not even fucking important to this anyway) chatting away with your ‘girlfriend’ (she’s probably named Cassandra or maybe she’s called Melissa…but that isn’t really important either) when this guy walks up to you:

Chad

Obviously this man is attractive to you.  Let me describe him a bit.  His name is Chad, and he is doing an apprenticeship somewhere in mechanics – i.e. air conditioning, refrigeration or maybe even carpentry.  Now Chad is what we in the industry call a ‘player’ (therefore making me, what we call in the industry as a ‘player hater’) so therefore he enjoys the party mentality and recreational drug taking bordering on addiction.  Mmmm, He seems like an appealing catch to me, but wait!  Let me check the crystal ball…

Hey babe...check out my crystal balls.

It appears that Chad is not a very good choice for a potential relationship.  He has a strong chance of cheating on his partner, and job security in his apprenticeship is quite weak due to the chance of being hung over and reliable in the early mornings due to the heavy weighting of his partying lifestyle.  Because there is a chance he can get a better looking girlfriend than you, there’s a strong chance your relationship will be rocky, and he will most likely treat you like shit.

Pro Tip: Chad is the most appealing type of male to the female gender, and it is highly recommended to model your actions after his behaviour.  Be a complete asshole, and treat women like arm candy.  Keep your girlfriend in line by verbally abusing them and causing them emotional anguish that is detrimental to their life satisfaction.  That should do the trick!

By some unlikely occurrence, you ditch Chad (let’s just say your friend beat you to Chad before you got to him) and another guy comes up to you:

Guy

Obviously this guy (we’ll call him Guy) isn’t the most attractive guy to come up to you tonight.  However what he’s laking in physique, he makes up for in intelligence and wit.  He’s a university student, who spends most of his time discussing philosophical problems and is an overly nice guy with the utmost respect for women.  In fact, if I asked you what you would want in a typical guy (i.e. a prospective boyfriend), he would tick all the boxes.  So, if, for some bizarre reason, you entered into a relationship with this gentleman, let’s see what the outcome would be…

It appears that this guy would make a good boyfriend as he respects you and is mindful of your feelings and all that shit.

Pro Tip: Don’t be Guy.  No matter what your prospective partner says.  The key is to be like Chad and LOWER their confidence.  You don’t want them to feel confident or have high self esteem, otherwise they will ditch YOU and go for someone better than you.  That’s the theory anyway.  But I could be wrong, and I’d be more than happy for anyone to prove me wrong.

So you ditch that guy because you already have a boyfriend.  Anyway another guy comes up to you.  We’ll call him Adrian, and he possesses some of the qualities of Chad above, but doesn’t even do an apprenticeship.  In fact, he doesn’t really have a proper job, he just works full time at Hungry Jacks (or Burger King) and spends all his money on stupid shit.  He’s dyslexic, but you don’t seem to really cear too much, as he is a natural at stealing people’s girlfriends.  Let’s check the crystal ball huh…

Well, turns out, you’ll dump your current boyfriend for this guy, and when you go out, the two of you have nothing in common.  In the end, he knocks you up, and you spend most of your time on the road with Adrian, selling yourself to pay for your partner’s crystal methamphetamine addiction while he tries to land the ‘dream job’ of manager on duty at a McDonalds in Ipswich somewhere.  And it serves you right too, you cunt.
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3 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Zach / Mar 9 2010 7:14 pm

    Got rage?

    +1 internets.

    • Matthew Bate Esquire / Mar 10 2010 12:23 am

      I tell you what, Zach – even I was very skeptical about posting this one due to the horrible picture of Charlize Theron’s dress. But I mean, if it can be dispalyed on such prime time TV as ‘The Morning Show’ with Larry Emdur and co., then that’s a good enough reason for me to post it here!

  2. Sir Professor Reginald Elliot Dolan-Evans Esquire of Lancashire (The Third) / Mar 10 2010 10:15 am

    Dammnnnn.

    Complete ownage to certain parties is a theme in the above blog.

    Kind Regards,

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