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March 8, 2010 / Darrell

How He Met Your Mother.

Ever wondered if your parents were ever young? Ever wondered what their lives were like? Ever wondered how they ended up meeting? Are you too scared to ask these questions because they’ll take 5 years/seasons to explain? Well you’re in luck, the entailing article will provide you enlightenment to such questions, without the boring talking to dad in the year 2030 scenes. And so this is the story of, how he met your mother.

In between watching football and reading the paper, your father spends the rest of his free time trying to convince your mother to get back into her cheerleading uniform. When they celebrate anniversaries they drink the champagne using a beer bong. And you hear the bed creaking, suddenly stop creaking, your father whisper “do you think they can hear us on the top bunk”, silence, then the bed resumes creaking.

He met your mother in college/university.

Your mother only has a single hairstyle, two buns over her ears. Your father kept his long college hair and constantly jokes about jumping into hyperspace when driving you to school. And your shaggy brown dog is named Chewie.

He met your mother at a star wars convention.

They smile awkwardly at each other and only make very small talk over dinner. Your mother becomes overly nostalgic whenever you go out clubbing. And every morning your father climbs, as quietly as possible, out the window to go to work.

He met your mother during a one night stand.

Your mother laughs every time she hears your father’s first name. Your father really really doesn’t like being introduced to people. And your uncle never stops preaching to you about the power of pick up lines.

He met your mother during a game of “Hi, have you met Ted?”

Your mother won’t let your father have a drill in the house. Your father only owns white shirts. And they spend more time in the bathroom flossing than they do in the bedroom making the bed creak.

He met your mother in the dentists chair.

All of their photos are printed on copy paper instead of glossy photo paper, and are ring binded rather than in a photo album. Due to classical conditioning your mother now finds the stock market report strangely arousing. And your father has a secret stash of photocopies of your mother’s bum.

He met your mother at the office.

They have a good knowledge of the suburb you live in. Your mother refuses to attend neighbourhood watch meetings. And your father owns the house next door, which he rents out to 64 chinese students.

He met your mother when they became neighbours.

Your mother attends AA meetings on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Your father attends AA meetings on Mondays and Wednesdays. And they both attend the friday session.

He met your mother at a pub.

Your father is a well established old man, who’s rather good looking in a George Clooney kind of way. Your mother is about half his age and good looking enough to bring on the oedipus complex. And they always get sideways looks when they attend social gatherings.

He met your mother two weeks before his first wife asked for a divorce.

They look exactly alike, sometimes they even pass as twins. Your mother’s speciality dish is deep fried suprise road kill meat with blown off tyre pudding for dessert. And your father insists you call him “Pa” instead of father.

He met your mother at a family reunion.

There are more computers than people in your house. Your mother is constantly busy with her career and seems glued to her PDA. Your father is also constantly busy, trying to set up his home IT firm and seems glued to his iPhone.

He met your mother on an online dating website.

Your mother is an excentric over the top blonde who has an opinion about absolutely everything, from the colour of your school uniform to the way they teach you algebra in maths. Your father is a slightly reserved, but ruggeredly good looking man who everyone likes, even old Mrs. Grouch next door. And you’re never allowed to watch reality tv, even if it is PG.

He met your mother on a reality tv dating show (btw it was The Bachelor).

Your father always speaks in a series of flashbacks. He calls all of his friends your uncle and aunty. And he really doesn’t like being filmed in his old age.

He met your mother… oh wait, he’s going to tell you in season 6, maybe.

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